You Can’t Change Them — But You Can Do This
How to invite change instead of forcing it
Have you ever just wanted to help someone?
Not in a donation or charity kind of way—but help someone close to you: your partner, your parent, your friend.
Maybe you know something that could help them live better, feel better, be better—and you want to share it.
If you’re here, chances are you’re someone who actively tries to improve yourself. You read the books, you listen to podcasts (like this one), maybe you hit the gym or go to therapy.
It’s natural that when you find something that works for you, you want to share it. Especially to the people you care most about.
But there’s an issue. What feels like good nautred advice to you, can often have the exact opposite affect you’d hope.
Instead of helping, it can push those people even further away from the desired outcome.
After nearly 15 years of coaching, here’s the truth:
You can’t make someone else change. You just can’t.
You can support them. You can guide them. You can inspire them.
But they have to be ready.
The 5 Stages of Change (And Why Advice Often Backfires)
Change isn’t as much of a choice, as it is a gradual process. A process that different people move through at their own pace.
Researchers call this process the “Stages of Change”:
1. Pre-contemplation – They don’t even realize there’s a problem. Change is nowhere on their radar.
2. Contemplation – They know something’s off but aren’t ready to act. They think “hmm, that’s interesting,” but they aren’t thinking about actually changing yey.
3. Preparation – They’re researching, planning, maybe testing the waters.
4. Action – They’re actively working on change.
5. Maintenance – They’re sticking with it long-term.
If you’re like most people, you offer advice as if the person is in action mode.
But if that person isn’t there yet, maybe they’re still contemplating, you’re skipping steps—and this is when your advice falls on deaf ears.
Sometimes it even backfires. Because advice—especially unsolicited—can feel like control. And humans crave autonomy.
Want to Help? Here’s What Actually Works
If you really want to help someone, stop telling them what to do.
Instead, be the example.
Let them see your habits. Watch your consistency. Notice your peace. Let them feel the change in you.
Then, when they’re ready, they’ll ask. And when they ask, that’s your cue to share—not before.
❌ “You should work out.”
✅ “I’m heading to the gym—they have an awesome class that is really accessible, I think you’d enjoy it if you’re ever interested in checking it out!”
❌ “You need therapy.”
✅ “My therapist told me something once that really helped me…”
You’re not offering advice. You’re just living your truth—and leaving the door open for them to get curious when they are ready.
Don’t Be A Tow-Truck, Be the Lighthouse
A tow-truck drags the cars to wherever it wants them, with little regard for the damage it may be doing in the process.
A lighthouse doesn’t chase ships. It just stands tall and shines.
That’s your job. Shine. Be the person who lives what they preach. Then stop preaching.
When the time is right, others will come to you—not because you told them to, but because they’re finally ready to see what you’ve seen all along.
And If they don’t ask? Then they aren’t ready. Remember the stages of change. You can’t get someone to act before they are at that point in the process.
This week, hold back the advice.
Instead, embody the change you want to see in others.
Show them—not with words, but with actions—what’s possible.